New News

It has been a while since I posted. I have a new keyboard. YAY!!!

I have been looking around for a better--yet free--blogging site. I have not found one yet. I was going to post a real post, here but I don't like blogger too much. I will wait until I find another site.

Tea Parties and Hourglasses

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.  ~H. Jackson Browne

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. ~Emily Dickinson

Many people expect you to be happy on their time and on their terms. I am not one of those people that believes that misery loves company, but on the flip side having sunshine shoved down my throat is no fun either. Yes-I am a bitter person but I do not let my acrimony spill over to other people. In return, I hope for the same understanding. Just because I don't smile (or frown) in your presence it is not because I don't like you. This applies also to when someone is delivering  good news. I am happy for you, but I don't do excitement. It may be very self-absorbed of me, but my depression fog is thick.

I-could-write-more-but-my-broken-space bar-has-made-typing-what-little-that-I-have-already-written-tiring.

Do-overs

Why can't I get a do-over? I am not just referring to going back in time because with the same family dynamics, I will be just as fucked up. I have had a fantasy world (since I was very very young); in it my mother (not my current mother--she would be my grandmother) is a sibling to my siblings (my oldest sibling is 60 something and I am 34, so possible). Anyway, I would be a part of a huge loving family. 

Snapping out of it! Back to what is, is what is. Or am I?

As I alluded to earlier, I sort of don't reside in the same world as most people do a lot. I have always been fantasizing about something. I guess that is why I enjoyed reading so much when I was younger. It took me away. Also, I have always been deeply into music, not just the melody but the words too. Classic rock is my genre of choice and, yes, I have had many crushes on many a celebrity, mainly rock stars, especially classic rock stars, occasionally the dead ones. Well my biggest crushes were on the band Led Zeppelin. 

Each member has held the top spot in my infatuated heart at one point or another, though Jonesy's was briefer than the rest. Jimmy and Robert, to the outsider seemed to be top contenders, but in all honesty my ideal male physically has always been John "Bonzo"Bonham. As time goes by, my pathetic crushes dissipate, only to be triggered again.

Well, I am back to being infatuated over Mr. Bonham. Forget the fact that he is dead, was married, and would be 27 years older than me, our "love" deserves a do-over. I know that it sounds nuts, but I never claimed to be sane.  

Awash

Order is something I lack. My mind is always racing, so I apologize if I go off path in this post or future posts.

Yesterday, at work, we were informed that all salaries will be cut across the board. I actually thought that my salary could not get any lower, but I was wrong. I believe that I will be homeless soon. I would rather be homeless than live with family. 

You see, my family does not feel like family to me at all. I honestly would rather hear about how they are doing than see how they are doing. This is not to say that I wish them harm--that would make me very sad--but I don't need to know that they are okay first hand.

Most of my worries center around not being able to create a family of my own. The one that I was born into does not compare to the one that I want. This fear takes up much of my time.  Sometimes it is not just the fear that takes up my time, but daydreaming about it.

I also worry about not getting into grad school and getting fired. In  fact, I am feeling  really depressed now and will probably nap.

Birthdays...

are just a year closer to death.

Pain

It is the only constant that I have.

Realizing When It Is Over

It is interesting how so many people comment on how you should live or end your life when you are unhappy with it. They compare the details of your agonizing seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years to the starving in Africa, the soldiers at war, the terminally ill, or some other unfortunate group of people in order to make you feel guilty for having such feelings for yourself. And once you've made the decision that it must end, you are seen as a coward, inferior, and selfish.

As unpleasant as the subject of suicide is, it is usually not an act of a coward. In fact, I think cowardice and bravery play no bearing in the actual decision, only in the execution. What most people don't realize is that people who commit suicide don't want to die but they just don't know how to live. When living becomes painful and a chore, your options decrease.

I am not advocating that anyone commit suicide. I am not advocating anything to anyone. This blog is solely about me and my feelings. I feel like death is my only option and that scares me for three reasons:

1. I am a coward and as much as I know that is what must be done, I cannot bring myself to do it. 

2. I think about it more often and know that one day I will be capable of doing it.

3. I am this miserable, broken, useless, and suffocating that all I have to offer comes down to this.

When I was a child I used to want to be many things and besides being a mother (which I am not) the other most important thing I wanted to be was "better." When I thought "better" it meant prettier, not poor, a loving family of my own, smart, creative, and alive. Next month I will be 34 and I am no where near "better."